Running

Toilets
and
Thoughts.

Drive me nuts.

When I say

"Hillshire"

You Say "Farm".


"Hillshire"


"Farm".


"Hillshire"

"F--m"

Go meat!

Very clever you little ad execs you....

I don't even eat hotdogs and I'm chanting that in my sleep....

Well...that and "5 Dollar Footlong!"

Wish someone would make up a catchy tune about exercise.

When I say "Squats" you say, "Tight Ass"

'Squats!"

"T___t A__"

"SQUATS!"

"Tight Ass".


Go jeans!

Do You Think .....

It's weird or inappropriate that I'm getting a lot of my pregnancy advice from MTV?

What can I say, "I'm 16 and Pregnant" is very educational.

Yes it is.

Showcase Showdown and Other Ideas

Not sure if it's this weird summer weather or that I'm almost 35?

Could be blamed on the bun in the oven or that I am currently a lady of leisure....?

All I know is that I want a plan.

Something new. And successful.

Obviously.

Adventurous.

School? Career move?

Large amounts of random money winnings?

Yes!

I was/am seriously thinking about law school....but then what if after I'm throuhg with school, I don't want to be a lawyer? Not REALLY!? Like really, really.

What if I don't love it enough to give up all the "family time" blah blah?

On one hand, I think the more education the better, no matter what. I mean, a person has to keep growing and learning and all of that jazz.

But to not pracitce law, well.....it is a bit pricey to just expand your brain and vocab, logic thinking skills, and argument points....

On the other hand, I could TOTALLY DIG IT and it could be just what I've been looking for?

I feel like I should take one of those personality tests that tells you what you should do?

With my luck, it will come back with like "Trapeze Artist" or line cook.
Awesome. I can join the circus and in the off season, work at IHOP.

Um, yeah....thanks for that hot tip. I'll start working on my scrambled eggs.

Nothing.
And everything interests me.

I really would like to write something....but how many people in the world try to publish a book?

A BILLION MILLION?!

And I don't do well with rejection...I'm not one of those people to keep sending in my manuscripts for 15 years until I get a big break. If Joe Blow Famous editor tells me I suck, I'm likely to believe him .... It is his job afterall......

So.....

Guess I'll just think about it some more and continue on with my house decorating and baby showers, flower pots and laying out.

Exciting. I'm sure.

Maybe it's just time to move again?

Or win a big prize....

Showcase Showdown here I come?

End of the Day Dismay

Holy 4:27 pm batman.


This might be the absolute worst half an hour of any given weekday.
Especially a Friday.

But really, 4:28 on a Wednesday will do the trick...because there are definitely things a lady should be doing...or could be doing...but all she wants is some comfs.

To take off the pumps.

A nice cold Diet DP and a little trashy tv...

For 20 minutes.

Then she can tackle the refrigerator cleaning and bleaching of the t-shirts and fiddling with the furniture.

And don't forget....ther are new golf pants to be found....PREGGO STYLE.

Awesome-o. Gruesome-O.

Enough room for two-some .....oh.

She really can't wait to spend money on something that hopefully won't be used after August. And if they are, it will be no fault of her own...some people just don't bounce right back! ESP if they are a decade over 20!

Plus 4.


So she writes.
Not very well.
But passes the time until

It's already 4:32!
Whew.

She can't decide if this little ditty should rhyme or not....sometimes it does ...rhyme...

and then sometimes that just seems

lame
What a shame

See what I mean?

Jellybean?

OOOhhhh 4:46

Fiddlesticks.
Are you into Chicks?

I am.

ESP the veggie patties....and the fry...but that's more thought of as a singular "CHICK"...not so much the plural...chicks....

I have never, ever heard of Fry Chicks. Only Fry Chick.
Have you?

No you haven't .... big fat fibber.

What a dither.

4:39.

Just give me a sign..

Some lightening.
A flash of the lights.
I'll be right out of here...Dyn-O-Mite(s).

For some reason I feel that parts of this take on the cadence of a children's book?!

What in the world!? I've still got 3 months all to myself without any of that baby goo....
And now even my writing has somehow been provoked by you know who.

That's it.

No Oreos for you tonight.

4:42.

What a plight.

Thank you.

Seriously.

Thank you.

And Goodnight.

Spring FEVA!

Oooooh I've got it!

And ..... I'm not gonna lie. It does, to a certain extent, resemble the fever for the flavor of a Pringle.

My favorites are the salt and vinegar. Come to Mama you little darlings.

Spriiiiing Fever!

Fever. Cleaver. Beaver. Weaver. Bereaver.

Bereaver.

Now there's a twist.

I'll admit, I am a bit of a Bereaver, but WITH a fever. And I do have some Flaaaava. Come one. You've seen my Beyoncee shoes. You cannot tell me that is not some fierce FLAAAVA!?

Why? Why you ask?

Why a bereaver?

Becasue I'm pretty sure I'll have a parking ticket when I go to my car....

Ticket. Schmicket.

Please go on ahead and STICK IT. Pat. The parking police.

Oooooh yes! I know you're name. Patty-Pat Patterson.

NOT to be confused with Pat PETERSON who was ......well ...... a lady in my church when I was growing up that would sing for special music.

You know. "Sing".

Side note, I'm not sure who, exactly, was in charge of asking her to sing? I think she might have typed the bulletin or something and just put her name in there every so often?

Nonetheless her special music was very special.

Very, VERY special .... and not so much what I would really define as "music" ... unless of course, Mr. Neff was accompanying her on the saw.

Yes. You heard me correctly.

THE SAW. The tool used to cut wood.

....AND also, double as an instrument during "Amazing Grace" about once a quarter.

Or perhaps more often than that if you live in Appalacia?

I will say that is was indeed "amazing" and did require quite a bit of grace.

It is one of those memories that you have from your childhood that really cannot be replaced. And somehow makes you a better person for having endured it and remembered it. Fondly-ish.

It's the kooky things like that that make you a real person. Without pretension. A person that can laugh at yourself. A person that does not bore easily.

And believe you me, Pat Peterson and her whirling saw are one in a miiiilllliiiion stories I've got like that.

Yep, it's the stuff like that, that make you you....and in the end, are the things you laugh about at dinner parties and love somehow....

Now don't get me wrong. I don't love Pat Peterson nearly as much as Sue Drummer.

SIGH! Sue Drummer. Oooooh. Her flashy nails and shiny lips and a purse full of fancy mints. Not much tops that when you're a kid.

Poor old Pat Peterson didn't stand a chance as number one in my heart.

Not next to that loving bag of Lifesavers!

I Don't Know What It Is

About Friday afternoons....but man do they drag!

Scratch that, I DO know what it is about Friday afternoons that make them drag.

Half the world is out whooping it up, and I'm stuck in my office.

Time to switch careers.

2 Great Things

There is ......

Nothing better than marrying the right person.


THE RIGHT PERSON.

Mark that down.


Not just A person.


THE RIGHT PERSON.


Sometimes you don't even know if the person is right for you....so take heed and listen now and then. OKAY? If everyone says he's a creep or she's using you...hmmm....maybe everyone knows more than you do. After all, it is EVERYONE. So don't always count on just what you "FEEL"...some people need to love with their heads because their hearts are all messed up.


So....

Number one Great Thing:

Marrying the right person.

Right?

I mean...um...Hello...It IS supposed to be the rest of your life...


Might as well spend it with someone that you respect. And like. And think is funny.

At the very least.

And I do mean VERY.

Thoughtfulness and hard-working and all of that jazz can NEVER be underestimated. But at the very least, respect the person, and enjoy them.


Here's a little advice...Actually, scratch that, here's a TON OF ADVICE.....Go on and be choosy.


If he's lazy, if she's a snark, if you don't like the same things. Just get on with it and break it off.


Or don't. I don't care. I mean, not really. It's not my life. Unless you're a relative.


But by all means, and listen closely now...... don't get impregnated. Do us all a favor.


So there's that.


The first great thing is marrying the right person.


Here's the awesome added bonus.

The Number 2 Great Thing:


Super cool, fun friends.

Super cool, fun friends that are LOYAL.

L-O-Y-A-L.


Not much can top the cherry on that sundae.

Awesome amigos are the bomb and are never to be dismissed as unimportant...esp in my world.

BECAUSE...

If you're amazing life-mate/husband/wife...whatever... dies, guess what? You've still got totally cool friends to spend all of your insurance money with.

Believe you me, your loyal friends will be glad they were when you're in St. Barts kickin' it old school style.


SUPER COOL, FUN, LOYAL FRIENDS.


Take note again.


Cultivate these friendships. If someone's mean to you, or throws you under the bus, if they delight in your loss....

They're not going to St. Barts!
Or even Wisconsin Dells for that matter.


Friends make all the difference in fun birthdays and funny emails and great clothes and wknd trips. They are the ones with the good advice. The ones that remember everything and call you out and make you REALLY laugh.

They are the ones that say it was his loss, not yours.

Fabulous girlfriends make a lame day interesting and a heartache go away.

So make sure you find some...... Cool, fun, loyal friends.

Aaaaand ..... one super duper hubby....or wifey....

And sooner rather than later....

Because man....it goes fast...and you've got to have someone to say that to ...... both on the phone long-distance (The afore-mentioned coolio friends) and while snuggling at night, thinking about how you're middle-aged and married, your kitchen's never clean and you ate 3 boxes of Girlscout cookies (Life mate).

But who cares if your job sucks and your boobs are sagging, you've got your peeps. And, if their like mine, they'll stick with you through anything.

AND, they'll tell you you look fabulous the entire way.

Lovey-Loverson.

I love .....

Fancy.

And Asian noodles from Brio. Anthropologie and good manners.

Real Housewives of anywhere but ESP NYC.

My 3 dance moves.

Napa
Carmel--the place, not the candy.
Spring.

My Goerge. A summer BBQ.
The feeling after exercising.

Beaches. The place...not the movie.

A hard laugh. A convertible. Snuggling. Soy sugar free chai lattes. Music that gives me goosebumps.

Great photos of myself.

The handsome prince---esp when he puts his nose on my shoulder and neck.

Jewelery.... not costume. The real ice ice baby.

Fresh water.

Winning.

Helping someone. People watching. A little bit of gossip.

A fantastic pedicure. The perfect coat. Owning art work. Skiing.

Apple crisp ala mode.
Pizza with jalepenos.
Fresh pineapple.
Mangos.
Curry.

Traveling. In style.

Practicing my Oscar acceptance speech.

Funny people. Inspiring people. New people. Inside jokes.

Money. Sorry, but it's true.

Buying a fantastic gift. An easy guest. A perfectly made bed with fluffy ironed sheets. A new bag.

Golfing on Tuesdays. Boating on the wknds. Kickball on Thanksgiving Morning.

Huge Sunglasses. Keeneland. Craps.

The idea that something great is still to come.

Most of my friends.

Being flexible. Cool names. Celebrity magazines. Recipes. Red currant candles.

Birthday Club. Chandeleirs. An amazing book. A spicy bloody. Writing something I'm proud of. Shiny lips. Fierce shoes. A delicious party!

Hammocks. A perfect yard. Drive-thru coffee. Dining Al Fresco.

Zocalo in Sacramento. Sporting events outside. Fires...anywhere. Tailgating.

Going somewhere warm in the winter and frivolity, dueling pianos and Italy...but who doesn't?

Ravinia.
The perfect outfit.
A clean house.
Swedish pancakes and eggs.

My mom. My sister. My cousin. The person I wanted to be.

Summer Lovin.


I hate.....

Having to run errands in heels after work. Especially in the winter.

I Know a Drunk

I know an old drunk.

And I don't use "drunk" in a negative way.

She's delightful, Well...ish.

Maybe entertaining is a better word.

Let's just say I like her. I really, really do.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say, I am quite fond of her most of the time. She makes me laugh and needs to talk. These are two things I can appreciate.

She's not homeless or shameless, gross or slightly insane. She's normal. Has a job and is active in the community. A grandmother. A church go-er. A homeowner. A very accomplished drunk.

She lives to drink.

Which, who is anyone to say that that's the worst thing in the world. If she's not harming anyone, what's the big beef?

So she's likes a few vodkas and a bottle of wine at night. It's not like the state of our union is at risk. Now and then she passes out and wakes to find that she's cut her own hair....that's not a crime.

She doesn't drink and drive. Or even walk recklessly for that matter. She simply goes home, puts on her sweats and knocks few back. And by few I'd say 10.

She's been doing so for bout 20 years. Give or take.

What's interesting to me is that I never knew her before. So I keep wondering....was "Louise" always this way ---and by "this way" I guess you just have to meet her..... it's hard to explain.... or has the drinking affected her personality? Her memory? Her facial expressions? Her mood swings! Her voice level...which can escalate when you're not really expecting it.....

Was she always a bit bitter and angry? Was she forever disgusted with her husband, irritated with her neighbors, insulted by her boss?

I'm sure not. She must have had beautiful moments and proud graduations, big laughs and sentimental holidays.

I know life has become a disappointment for her. I think it's a disappointment more often than it isn't.

But what came first? I'm so interested.

Was it the restlessness and dissatisfaction? The anger from love lost and promises broken?

Or ...... Did the dirty martinis result in a broken heart and cold marriage?

Probably some of both?

I just wonder now and then....does she recognize who she sees in the mirror? Does she even look?

Is her life a broken record of getting up in the morning because she has to, going to work because it's expected, and zooming home for the only light in her day.....OOOOhhhh that glorious Limoncella?

I guess it doesn't really matter.

Louise is Louise is Louise. She functioned fine before she met me and her life is hers. Not mine to figure out or worry over....

I'm just curious I guess because.......

Because.

I know a drunk.

And I like her.

Writing with Mark Wahlborg

The new goal is to write at least 15 m inutes a day.

If one is trying to get in the habit or writing and opening up the windows of creativity, s/he is supposed to just write. Write whatever. Write gibble gobble. Just write...For 10 or 15 minutes.

I know this is a fact because Dr. Smith told me this in College and now he is a college president. So I mean, come on, he knows what he's talking about.

Good old Dr. Smith would not lead me astray.

I think he might now. But he certainly would not have then. He liked me then. I dont' think he likes me now but that's a whole nother deal and not for my public's ears....And by my public, I, of course, mean my sister, and 2 friends.

I really liked that class...Ginger and Roxanne were in it with me and I remember just writing, writing, writing, and I would just DIE with pride everytime something of mine got read aloud.
ESP if I was wearing a cute outfit that day.

It's funny how a little thing like getting an essay read in front of the class just means the whole world to you ..... even when your 21. I remember thinking...control yourself....don't smile so big....you look like a swooning idiot. Inside my heart was just bursting...BURSTING.

I litereally felt like I had won the Showcase Showdown or at least a date with Ralph Macchio.

Actually, in college, who would it have been a date with? Andrew Shue? I can't really even remember.

Marky Mark? That was the same year the Boogie Nights came out.....And man, was that movie a shock.

HOLY Mark Wahlberg and Roller Girl and just everything.

I was like...WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! And why am I watching it with everyone I know on a Friday afternoon. Let's please just all go to Gradys.

Side note, in my adult life, I actually met Mark when he was dating my friend Robin (Vance's ex) in LA...he was working on that movie about sailing or boating or something and had to get really skinny and would never eat and just smoked all the time and drank tons of water .... she eventually broke up with him because he is (gasp!) not a one-woman kind of guy. I personally think she should have stuck it out. But whatev.


Anyway, that's the new goal....15 minutes a day. AND it's supposed to be uninterrupted. But whatev. I'm going to do what I can do.

Until tomorrow..... At which time I will write about nothing again for 15 glorious minutes!

Looking forward to it.

The Lottery--Uncovered.

I want to do something that I love.

Everyday.

For a living.

Do you know what I mean?

There ARE people out there that do that .... or claim to...


Not sure if they chose a job and decided to love it, or went after their heart's desire from an early age or what? Sometimes I'm sure people just "fall into" a fabulous life that they never dreamt of.

There are actors and circus performers, sales people and politicians, restraunteurs, golfers and sailors that say, "Yes! Without a doubt.....I am living my dream. There is nothing else I would rather do. No one else I'd rather be."


I know. I saw it on Oprah.


But "doing what you love" is really not so easy.


Not that anyone said it was.....


I guess when they told me in college, "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life," I just thought at some point I would know what to do and I'd be rich and famous and BE that person on Oprah saying....well, you know....you've just got to follow your dreams and go for it...

Or some such blah blah blah.


Well here's the problem ladies and gents:


First off, you have to FIND something that you love. That in itself can take who knows how long!?


And, quite frankly, the things that "I love" are generally not things that one can make any decent money doing ..... And more probably, no money at all.

So there's that obstacle.

Secondly, you really have to put in time to build up this business or passion or column or brand or whatever..... If I had been smart, I would have started building that at age 9. And now I'id be on QVC with Suzanne Sommers.

But I digress.

As it stands now, I am 34, (which is allegedly the new 24, but feels less and less like it) and haven't built up my empire or wrote books or franchised my salsa or become a Senator or launched some random brand that happened to find just the niche that was needed.


And most likely, neither have you.


Swallow that pill for a while and you'll come to this conclusion (maybe).

It's probably too late to do what you love.

Which means......

You're stuck in this crap job-life-career-town--whatev -- just living everyday, going to your power lunches, and running your miles, demanding spreadsheets and getting excited over pinstripes, kissing ass and having yours kissed.

Becoming that person that is ....well ...... lame.

But, that's life for most people.

If they're lucky.

If they're not, they are worried about how to feed their kids and if they'll lose their job and when spaghetti-o's go on sale.

So...... I guess we now understand why the lottery is so popular.

It's the dream people.

The dream of doing what you love.

Which, just might turn out to be, nothing.

Do You Ever Just Kind of Hate Everyone?

Not REALLY hate-hate, but just enough so that you don't want to hear what anyone has to say?

Maybe it's that I'm around people all day and am supposed to be a "people person" and inspire and motivate and quack quack quack?

So I act excited and ask questions and dig up some interest, DAY IN AND DAY OUT...Please, oh please, TELL ME MORE!!! And then, every now and then, I just cannot do it ANYMORE.

I DONT CARE. I just don't.
And I can't....not that moment...or that day.


Please do not drone on and on.

All I am thinking about is warm cherry crisp. Warmed up. Very warm with drizzle of some sort and a crunchy something.

Warmed up.

I mean it.

And ice cream...vanilla....obviously. Cold and slightly melty.

I guess the good news is it doesn't last long. The mood....or hate...or whatever. And truth be told, if you popped your head in my office you'd probably have no idea that I hated you. And the cardigan you popped in on.

So who's the wiser?

The moral of the story is that every now and then everyone is a hater.

Even perfect, delightful me.